Are you thinking of joining Celtic’s management team? I take it the invitations went out along with the season ticket renewals, based on the number of folks now potentially getting jobs? After four months of an extensive, rigorous, global management search (no laughing at the back) it appears we have settled on two main candidates and their respective coaching teams.

Having scoured the world, this season’s twice interim manager is in the running. After delivering the most unlikely of doubles this seems reasonable, apart from that rather massive issue of his age. This quite remarkable 74 year old man, rescued an undeserving board twice. He enjoyed himself so much that he is seemingly able to overlook the massive disrespect shown to him.

For bailing them out the first time he was ditched before a cup final he secured and, controversially at the time (ludicrously in hindsight) before an incredibly challenging run of fixtures. Which his replacement then approached with undeserved aplomb and the tactics of a plum.

The Nuttiness of Nancyball

UFO sightings are rare and often unverified. Spoken of in hushed terms in case the listener believes you mad. CEO sightings at Celtic are rarer still, but this time we received a message from on high. Nancyball will be fully backed in the January transfer window! Given the desperate state of the squad this was welcome news, especially as the new manager was well into his reign of madness. Ten men in front of the ball and a magnetic tactics board for his captain.

The lessons that the captain took from these interactions, was that this man was a spoofer of gargantuan proportions. Lessons that were transmitted quickly as far as board level. Nancy was a master of the vague platitude and buzz word. We learned quickly from the players that he lacked entirely in detail.

One of the year’s Linkedin managers across football, who all failed spectacularly. Platitudes may get you a pass under minimum pressure, but when subjected to the brutal reality of a job where a draw is a disaster the implosion was nuclear, as he split an atom that must remain indivisible. Every physical unit of Celtic matter is comprised of WIN, and any attempt to subvert that reality results in meltdown.

To the Rescue – Again!

In order to smother the flames from this mid season firestorm, the board turned once more to Celtic’s managerial Red Adair. Dropped in to salvage a desperate situation beyond the ability of lesser men, he somehow manufactured a double winning team from the remnants of squad so thin as to be skeletal. So lacking in Quality that if it was packaged for Christmas, you’d be handed an empty box labelled ‘Street’

However, as promised to Nancy the arsonist by our spectre of a CEO, he received the full backing of the board in the January transfer window.

Now, that’s the second time I’ve had to tell you about laughing at the back. In the immortal words of our former chairman “Behave!”

Celtic scoured the European leagues for fairytale players. I don’t mean great players to contribute to the ongoing fairytale of our magnificent club.

Just guys who used to be good ‘Once upon a time.’

Charitable Endeavours

Founded in charity, the board decided to revisit our roots with a player rehabilitation scheme. We actively avoided any in form, fit, currently contributing players and, with so very long left in the season, opted for the convalescence and recuperation of those fallen from grace. A novel tactic that no other board would have entertained. We are extremely blessed to have a principal shareholder as in touch with modern football as a Martian colonist, and who is speculated to be the lovechild of Ebenezer Scrooge and the Grinch.

However, that same principal shareholder was also ungenerous in his very public departing message to an extremely high-profile previous manager, who had highlighted the problems facing the playing squad and was proven to be entirely correct throughout the season. This unprecedented hatchet job, delivered through official club channels, no doubt garnered the attention of candidates who may have considered a move to Celtic. Putting on full public display the attitudes and challenges facing any manager who wants to do more than ‘maintain.’

The board have also turned the club into a literal laughingstock in respect of their conduct of transfer business. European football in particular is a small village, where bad reputations do not go unnoticed. This board have turned the club into a pariah among many agents and have similarly tarnished their reputation with enough players that many targets would now dismiss them as best avoided if other options are available.

Not Even a Manchurian Candidate

This means that elite managerial options are not just thin on the ground, but almost non-existent. That’s assuming we looked for them. The far more likely scenario is that we did precisely nothing for the last four months and waited to catch Emperor Desmond between rounds in Barbados, to see what rabbits he could pull from his billionaire’s hat. This time it appears the answer is none.

In fact, it’s rumoured that rather than magic, the option this time may be something altogether more distasteful. A paucity of the palatable leaving us with a potentially pitiful patchwork of personnel. Stitching together one suitable candidate from two coaching teams, to overcome their obvious shortcomings.

Martin is blessed with talent and cursed with old age. If you have parents or relatives around his age, you would not encourage them to take on an intense, high pressure, demanding, full time job. In fact, given the club’s duty of care, you could reasonably argue that no such offer should be made on that basis alone. Once the excitement dies down the reality of the daily grind, and its undoubted physical and mental toll, must be considered.

More realistically, what he may offer is his ability to make the unpalatable digestible. Other than Martin it seems the only candidates were either inexperienced or undeserving managers. In my opinion, and firmly in the underserving category, the other candidate Robbie Keane is already pre-despised by a very large section of the support. Whether you agree or not that his time in Israel is indicative of a major character flaw, it is already a massive bone of contention in the fan base.

Is Anyone Keane?

Having just lost the Hungarian title in a one-horse race does not inspire confidence either. Nor does his public persona. Think of inspirational Ange who could motivate you to run through a brick wall. Unfortunately, Robbie Keane is where charisma goes to die, and you may find yourself wanting to run into that brick wall. Not to mention his style of football reflects his personality. It is dull, dreary and stimulates all the escapism of a maximum-security cell.

It would be a massively divisive appointment. A wound which may be salved for many by the appointment of the blessed Martin in some sort of mentorship or general manager role. Retaining Maloney as head of football operations (a role for which he is entirely unqualified, but certainly more qualified than his predecessor Tisdale) is another stitch in this quilt of compromise. Can Fotheringham be retained as a coach given that Keane apparently wants Brown, Hayes and Glass on his team? To keep the masses happy, I think they’ll find a space.

Essentially, we retain the double winning coaching team in various roles, to deflect from the fact that we would be appointing a minimally experienced, largely hated head coach, with a debatable record and dull playing style, two other failed managers and a novice.

A Frankenstein’s monster of a mess may ensue. If there was to be a poor start, how long will it be before the villagers of Paradise storm the streets with pitchforks and torches, that they may rid themselves of this hideous creation?