In 2008 Vladimir Putin was constitutionally barred from standing for a third term as Russian President. Subverting the constitution was problematic and unpopular. As an aspiring dictator he landed on an ideal solution. Dimitry Medvedev was installed by Putin’s regime as a puppet President, where he remained from 2008-2012.

Immediately thereafter Putin once again assumed the mantle and the charade was over. Medvedev remained as Prime Minister from 2012-2020 until he resigned along with the entire cabinet in order to allow Putin to make ‘sweeping constitutional changes.’ Meaning that he had finally rigged the system so that there was no need to play charades with another puppet and he could remain in power indefinitely. Democratically of course! There’s no disputing those ninety percent plus election wins. Always a sign of legitimate elections dontcha know!

The Parkhead Politburo

Peter Lawwell eventually resigned as Celtic CEO in June 2021 after a mere 17 years 9 months of selfless service. Following a brief flirtation with what (in Russian analogy terms) would have been democracy, Dom McKay’s reign as CEO was unceremoniously terminated by a politburo putsch demanded by the supreme leader. After 72 days of insubordination and insolently independent thinking, order was restored, control was reasserted and a hopeful populace were ruthlessly reminded of their place.

What next? A ‘world class’ CEO was out of the question. McKay was up and coming, but even he was too much of a threat to the established order. A global recruitment search for a notable CEO would have discovered only individuals entirely unwilling to be a billionaire’s nodding dog. Any Chief Executive Officer worthy of the title would insist on being accountable only for their own decisions, their own vision and strategy. It would be anathema for such an individual to be accountable for decisions taken entirely against their wishes, while being complicit in the performative farce of Celtic’s corporate governance and beholden to the whims of a megalomaniac.

The Man Who Never Was

So, to whom do you turn? What the supreme leader demanded of his politburo was the appointment of a cypher.

If you’re unfamiliar with the term, let me clarify. In this context the definition of cypher is – A Nonentity: In a formal or literary sense, it can refer to a person or thing that holds no power, influence, or importance.

Fortunately, the Director of Legal and Football Affairs, or ‘the contracts guy’ as he has repeatedly referred to himself, was available in the office next door. Referred to by some online critics as a mist of a man, somehow sustaining human form in an empty grey suit. Seemingly with blancmange for a backbone and the testicular fortitude of a eunuch. As inspirational leaders go, he evokes memories of Liz Truss.

The responsibilities of a CEO in respect of communications are outlined as follows – As the “Communicator-in-Chief,” the CEO is primarily responsible for establishing corporate vision, cultivating company culture, driving change, and building trust with external stakeholders. Effective communication aligns teams, instils confidence, and safeguards corporate reputation.

Yet Celtic’s Chief Exec appears stricken with selective mutism.

In dire need of a strong leader who could manage upwards to curb the worst instincts of the God King, Celtic instead appointed a man whose cap is permanently doffed to Desmond. Whose desire for self-preservation and the inflated rewards of football is absolute, and comes at the expense of the fans and those who still harbour ambitions for the club greater than those decreed as ‘success’ by men who would define waking up with morning wood a success if they fell asleep in a lumberyard.

A man lacking self respect, heavily influenced by more money than he could have dreamed of earning as a sports lawyer, may abase himself by adopting and absorbing all the most odious traits of his master, and convincing himself it’s for the greater good in order to salve his conscience. A man apparently so inept that the not so dearly departed dictator had to make a comeback after a mere two years of outsourced puppetry. Even Putin managed a more plausible four years away.

No Risk, No Reward, No Responsibility.

In the same vein, I spoke on last week’s A Celtic State of Mind about statements made by a renowned marketing and advertising guru. He was discussing why there is so much safe, boring, repetitive and inane advertising. The contention was that functionaries will always resort to a minimal risk approach. If you do the same thing you’ve always done and it goes horribly wrong, then that is surely not your fault, because it’s what has always been done! If you decide to be innovative and creative and it goes horribly wrong, then that failure can be laid at your door. Subservience to the status quo is the enemy of advancement.

This reminded me immediately of Celtic’s approach to recruitment. Why are the board insistent, despite all the evidence to the contrary, that their intransigent adherence to the model of the manager as the prime driver of recruitment, and his recommendations being subject to ‘overview’ of the board, is still the appropriate approach, despite being outdated by twenty years or so in this aggressively progressive and fluid football ecosystem.

It’s the same reason we have no published short, medium or long term plans. The same reason we have no publicly stated goals or objectives beyond the vaguest generalities. It’s like trying to catch soup with a dragnet. There can never be even the most obtuse mention of a specific target, because failure to achieve a target means someone, somewhere, is accountable. If the board could set ‘playing in green and white hoops’ as a target, they would happily do so and brag about achieving it afterwards over brandy and cigars.

As we know unspecified mistakes have been made and declared multiple times. Based on the lack of activity we’ve seen on the recruitment front so far, that surely can’t be the area where we had problems?  I think we can now be rest assured that the appropriate quality of paper has been ordered for the photocopier, that Donald the caretaker has the correct cleaning materials, and the marketing department now has a market stall in the Barras, where they’re selling the unsold Adidas gear from the back of a three wheeled van. Having Del Bhoy take liberties with some poetically perfidious persuasion, while Rodney keeps an eye out for the plod!

Right Idea, Wrong Appointment!

Lazy appointments fuelled by cronyism have been at the heart of the club’s issues. Even when they decide to do the right thing structurally, they immediately ruin it with the wrong appointments. On the recruitment front most recently, we’ve had nepo baby Lawwell junior (who the apologists still argue Ange appointed. Did he aye? From the whole world of football he arrived at the ‘former’ CEO’s son? Nae bother!) and the former manager of Team Bath, who rose to the dizzy heights of managing Exeter. The football doctor himself, Paul Tisdale. Who, by all accounts, met our God King at a wedding and became his golfing buddy. Completely unqualified for the role to which he was divinely appointed,

Think of the damage done by those ludicrously lazy, less than impartial appointments. There have been many others.

Right now it seems like there’s nothing happening at the club in respect of recruitment. What we have learned to our immense frustration is, where Celtic are concerned, looks are not deceiving. If it looks like there’s nothing happening, that’s very likely because nothing is happening. A horrifying notion given the scale of the rebuild we are facing and the swift, considered movement of our two biggest rivals, whom the blessed Martin himself decreed are closer to us now than ever before in recent times.

Like a patient receiving treatment for an impacted bowel, we desperately need to see signs of movement! Unlike that same patient, when we do see movement we must also hope it’s not just a load of old ………… substandard projects!