“Muttley, do something!” was Dick Dastardly’s refrain, as he inevitably failed in his elaborate plan to “stop the pigeon” and met a painful but cartoonishly temporary fate. Usually plummeting to earth from his biplane, followed by a piano for some reason! You know the sort of thing. Well, if you grew up in the era of classic cartoons you definitely do.

As we saw the widely circulated image from the Shelbourne game, which some rogue appears to have slightly altered, it was difficult not to draw parallels with our own DD, especially when considering the handlebar moustache. An affectation designed to make an impression. What that impression might be is up to you. Persistent villain or powerful billionaire? What we’ve surely come to realise in the modern gilded age, where almost unimaginable wealth & power is concentrated in the hands of the few, is that there’s not much difference.

His treatment of Celtic as a rich man’s plaything is pretty undeniable. He has managed to accrue total power, despite not owning the club. Unchecked by his placemen on a sham board, his capricious whims are commands, his vindictiveness is policy, his opinions are unchallenged, and his decisions are final.

Does he love the club? Maybe, but apart from underwriting a share issue and hoovering up enough shares to now hold the whip hand, he’s never risked his own money as others did, and never put money into the club that wasn’t secured as an investment. He has also taken out around £8 million in dividends.

Assuming money is the love language of any billionaire, this doesn’t scream of an undeniable love affair with Celtic. Although he does appear to treat and view most of the fanbase as the irritating, unappreciative, recalcitrant offspring of a fling with a discarded mistress. Seemingly frustrated that the occasional pat on the head via his now out-of-date managerial/player Rolodex, is no longer enough to maintain a good relationship and keep the kids in line.

He looks to be permanently annoyed (via his young proxy obviously – he’s too important to address mere minions) that his hoarding of the fans’ money while the team and infrastructure degrade is not universally well received by those who would dare to challenge his omniscience.

Joined at Tolka Park by the not very interim Chairman, the image that sprang immediately to mind was that of another classic cartoon character. The famously myopic Mr Magoo had the catchphrase of “Oh Magoo, you’ve done it again!” He typically uttered this iconic tagline at the end of his misadventures, remaining blissfully oblivious to the disasters his severe myopia caused, but cheerfully acknowledging his “success!” As an avatar for our beloved interim Chairman, and even our board, you could argue it’s actually a little too on the nose!

Always happy to claim success but never acknowledging the reality of the circumstances surrounding events, and the damage being done, does seem like a blueprint for the current stewards of the club.

The good news…

Camilo Duran is poised to join the club. It appears that he has already joined the squad in Portugal, but the move cannot be announced until the paperwork is finalised. On this occasion, it appears that the delay is not of Celtic’s making.

The young Colombian winger/striker has the potential to be a great addition to the team. He is an aggressive attacking player who does not placidly wait to get on the end of a move. Creative, dynamic, talented, and has shown consistent improvement. His Champions League goals speak to a clinical finisher under pressure against top-quality opposition.

He hopefully has a high ceiling and excellent potential resale value. Although, as we know to our cost, how much he is ultimately sold for is irrelevant unless those funds are used primarily to strengthen the squad. That said, as a player trading club, this young man fits the model perfectly. What made the deal relatively simple was the fact that he had only moved to Qarabag 12 months ago for 300k, so the approximately £3 million initial fee offered by Celtic was close to a club record for Qarabag, and it appears there was minimal competition.

As I mentioned this week on A Celtic State of Mind, one reason to be potentially concerned was the framing of this deal. What was immediately released to the media, and if you look up the details of the deal is still prominently presented as fact, was the signing of Duran for £5.5 million. Now, perhaps this is what the outlay will finally be if the young fella turns out to be the lovechild of Messi and Maradona, and we make it deep into the latter stages of the Champions League. Why though, would you release the information as a £5.5 million signing, and only if you read much further you’ll see the qualification of ‘in a deal thought to be worth up to…’?

Is this a minor irrelevance or the club preparing the ground for what they know will be a disappointing window by exaggerating the initial outlay to make it seem like they’re putting a dent in the money mountain? We’ll see.

However, in the interests of balance we must have praise where praise is due, and it looks like this signing is a job well done. The frustration is that we need far more quality signings and we need them quickly. If we wait until all of our main assets are sold before committing funds to signings, we will likely be out of the Champions League already having sacrificed another £40 million on the altar of risk aversion.

Old Flames

Oxlade-Chamberlain is already back on board, and it looks as though Saracchi and Iheanaco may be returning. I have seen justification of why these deals were so slow in respect of the Ox and Kelechi, in that there was good reason to let the options on both expire and renegotiate based on likely actual input to the team given their injury records and the Ox’s age.

If that’s true, then it would make sense, but it doesn’t explain the gap between the deals expiring and the commencement of negotiations. Perhaps Martin was unsure, and let’s be honest, there’s plenty of reasons that might be the case. I wouldn’t have given the Ox a new deal. We need youthful energy and physicality in that midfield. The Ox offers neither, but he is a tidy enough player. That said, is that the level we’re now accepting? Bringing back a player from a squad of historically low quality, who was not trusted for the sharp end of the season. Again, is this a red flag in terms of the club’s intentions during this window?

The return of Saracchi would be most welcome, but again there has been an inexplicable delay. His agent made it clear the player was taking it personally that Celtic weren’t in touch at all, even when Boca confirmed he wasn’t in their plans. That only changed recently. This was a deal the fans, and presumably the manager, wanted at a price the club can afford, but we risked causing a rift for no apparent reason. We certainly wouldn’t be signing anyone better to compete with Tierney, so was the intention to sign somebody cheaper? Given the £1.5m reported fee, that’s a scary thought.

Kelechi is high quality but has the fragile hamstrings of a hobbling horse. It’s a questionable decision to sign another player who can’t give you a full game. Will Duran, Osmand and Iheanacho be final three contesting the striker’s spot?

Many’s a Slip…

It has been reported for some time that player identification is not the major issue at Celtic. Getting the deals over the line however, is a process as torturous as a visit to a medieval dungeon during the Spanish Inquisition. According to Monty Python, nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition, but sadly at Celtic what is absolutely expected is for the vast majority of deals to be dragged out until they inevitably collapse. This has become such a feature of the CEO’s tenure that there’s a serious case to be made for it just being performative deal-making to pacify the incumbent manager, with no real intent to make the signing.

Perhaps, but never assume conspiracy when incompetence is still on the table. The CEO studied negotiating at Harvard, but they seem to have missed the part about the outcome being more important than arguing over every penny and contractual concern, until the other side lose the will to live and move on.

Yesterday the Scotsman reported we were in negotiations for Egyptian international Haissem Hassan. Celtic have reportedly bid £3.4m, which is probably around what he was worth pre-World Cup, but now he’s had a good tournament. Fair enough, the bid’s on the low side, but that’s standard practice. However, Oviedo reportedly owe Villarreal 40% of any future transfer fee. They also invested around €1.5 million to sign Hassan in the first place.

Taking that into account, together with current exchange rates, the reported Celtic offer would leave Oviedo making somewhere in the region of just €846,000 profit on one of their most valuable assets. That’s not the kind of deal clubs build promotion challenges around. It certainly doesn’t cover the cost of replacing him. So, unless it’s an attempt to have the player agitate for a move, you have to ask what is the point? Celtic are not his only suitors either.

If Martin is to get the squad he deserves, then making realistic bids for players surely must be one of the main lessons supposedly learned by the board, but the evidence for that is as thin as an Iheanacho hamstring.