There comes a part in nearly all disaster movies where a parent is consoling their terrified children in the face of certain doom. Soothing sounds and ‘everything will be alright’ as the meteor briefly brightens the sky above them, just before their fiery fate befalls them.

Some of those comforting words would be welcomed by Celtic fans. In the face of what started as potentially the biggest transfer challenge in decades but is slowly transforming into an epic failure with potentially catastrophic consequences.

Can disaster be averted even at this stage? Of course, but if we stick to the script, that will require a hero with a cunning plan and a willingness to take risks. Right now, the only character we have resembling a hero in this story, has exposed the fact that there’s barely the outline of a plan, never mind a cunning one, and all the best astronauts are abandoning the planet. At the same time, the incompetent administrators twiddle their thumbs and work on efforts to launch a range of ‘The End is Nigh’ T-Shirts!

Martin O’Neill was appointed for many reasons. One of the main ones being that due to his advanced years, Martin is very familiar with the board’s tragically outdated operating model of manager as king. Nowadays managers at top clubs are often merely a very important cog in a larger wheel, which is driving a smoothly operating machine. That machine can replace a cog and continue uninterrupted in the chosen direction of travel, without having to stop and rebuild the vehicle.

Celtic are very far from that advanced model. In fact, they’re very far from admitting the model exists, never mind conceding it’s necessary. So, Martin is not only the last word on player recruitment, but at the epicentre of communications and recruitment operations. Despite having no personal insight into the markets that Celtic can afford to shop in, no familiarity with modern data analytics or scouting systems and indeed, an old-school aversion to those things with which he is unfamiliar.

As it stands, he is being brought players by the massive recruitment and scouting team, which seemingly consists of a one-eyed man and his three-legged dog, and is then being asked to make judgements on players by whom he must be almost universally unimpressed. As sarcastic as I’m being here, the tragedy is that player identification cannot be singled out as the most important issue with recruitment.

Using The Media to Manage Up!

Martin almost certainly had a story leaked by his friend Graham Spiers about his willingness to walk away if he didn’t get his coaching team back. Within 48 hrs or so, those deals were done, after weeks of all too familiar, but unseemly haggling. Consider what that says about how we must interpret board bleatings on the manager getting their full support. At the very first hurdle they were prepared to deprive a famously non-coaching, legendary manager of his double-winning coaching team.

Splitting hairs over terms has become the signature policy of the axis of feeble. The CEO & CFO are so obsessed with the pennies that they have already lost tens of millions of pounds through failure to prepare for Kairat last season and are clearly prepared to do so again. The utterly glacial pace of transfers carries on, and we continue to display the same clarity of vision and lack of urgency as a lookout on the Titanic. The board seem blissfully untroubled by the looming iceberg.

Over the last couple of seasons, illusions of professionalism have been stripped away by a multitude of incidents. We have had a clear view of the great Wizard of Oz and come to realise that reports of a laughably amateur operation were not exaggerated. To the contrary, it seems as if claims of general proficiency and competence were hyperbolic. When you consider the magnitude of the task we face, the club simply have not demonstrated the bandwidth, or capability, to leave this historically poor squad in a stronger position when we exit this window.

We can say this with near certainty as we have seen the previous evidence. All the offenders are still in place, and despite claiming otherwise, based on what we’ve seen (or haven’t seen, more to the point) there have been no lessons learned.

A Flippant Failure

Martin’s comments on Ross Grant were terribly ill judged in the circumstances. Given the context of lack of movement on quality squad additions, it was an appointment heralded as being indicative of the much-needed clarity on style of play, and a forward-thinking approach to modern coaching setups. For those of us anxious about how events are unfolding, and desperately seeking out good news, it acted as emotional Valium. Martin scuppered that by his flippant remarks, essentially stating it’s just some lad Fozzy knew, and there’s a vacancy in the coaching team after Strachan’s departure.

However, I accept that it’s largely unfair to criticise Martin’s unique style when it comes to press conferences and interviews. Whether it’s a Clough-like character or genuine wit, charm and charisma, it’s not going to help him if he’s left high and dry by this board. This was the fear of many fans, and why the vast majority felt he should leave on the high of a wildly unlikely double.

He clarified in the last few days, not that we were unaware, the potential scale of the rebuild. There is a real possibility we could lose an entire midfield, plus multiple other starters.

Chess or Chequers?

The captain appears set to go. He didn’t sign with an agent specialising in Middle East transfers because he wanted his face on a bus stop promoting crisps. This would partly, and worryingly, explain the re-signing of the Ox. One experienced head for another that may be, but Calmac played every game and is the heartbeat of the team. Replacing that with a tidy player, but a bit-part contributor, is a massive downgrade.

Engels and Maeda will certainly depart, despite the manager’s comments about Maeda running down his contract. Apart from Martin, it’s clear neither the player nor the feebles want that outcome. The only reason Hatate would stay is that there are no realistic offers, but I suspect he will be unloaded from the wage bill at the first opportunity. However, it may also transpire that we are in more dire need of warm bodies than an Arctic expeditionary tent in a snowstorm, and he may remain by default.

Nygren appears to be attracting interest, but a large enough offer may not be forthcoming. Given the length of contact remaining, the board may have to stand their ground unless it’s silly money, on the same basis as Hatate. Warm bodies.

Worryingly, I believe that if Alistair Johnston is not currently considering offers then his agent has failed to do his job. He will almost certainly never be more in demand. I don’t think he’ll stay. And he may be joined by Trusty, who seemed to be enthusiastically courting interest.

With a goalkeeper, wingers and strikers also required, this scale of change would be daunting to even the most efficient operation, and Celtic are not that. To have only signed one player, when this time in a dreadful window last season they had signed five, is potentially reason enough to be rolling out the string quartet. At least that way when the ship goes down we’ll have relaxing music to see us off into the icy blackness.

Oh No, It’s Status Quo

Meanwhile, with deals for Kelechi and Saracchi still up in the air, it appears that the axis of feeble are focused primarily on the stunningly sluggish consolidation of what was likely one of the worst squads we’ve seen in the modern history of the club.

Of all the realistic scenarios discussed here and elsewhere, the entirely missing one is where we finish the window stronger than we started. What we have seen so far is not about strengthening; it’s about firefighting. And it looks a lot like fighting the towering inferno with a holy bucket of water, and I don’t mean one that has been blessed.

Dontcha just love the excitement and adrenaline of a Celtic transfer window where, for months, us fans can excitedly discuss who we won’t sign next?